I’m thrilled that my essay on marriage was published on NPR’s site, “This I Believe “. Below is my text:
THE SILENT KILLER OF MARRIAGE
I believe humans have more in common with animals than we realize. For example, fight-or-flight remains a basic human instinct, and it can have a big impact on relationships. Understanding this […]

As I watch (OK, I’m GLUED to) the Olympics, I’m struck by the number of interviews where athletes mention how their parents were their first coaches. And yet, I’ve observed many parents who worry that they’re somehow overbearing if they practice a sport with their kids. I think the most important thing a kid picks […]

A friend of mine was remarking the other day how one of his friends had recently gotten divorced because she found her marriage “unfulfilling.” He believed that “unfulfilling” was an unrealistic benchmark for a marriage, or any other serious commitment, for that matter. “How many of us find our jobs to be always […]

1) Arguments are not what kill a marriage, distancing is. Arguments stem from our fight instinct, but distancing stems from our flight instinct, and most of us are not even aware of how much we distance from our spouse every day.
2) Spouses seldom distance from each other without moving towards someone else. One spouse may […]

A 79 year-old Catholic priest has been teaching a seminar to high school students about how to marry the right person. He’s extensively quoted in this New York Times article.
What struck me was not the advice he gave, but rather how worried people are about making the wrong choice. In this era of […]

People keep guns in their homes because they fear break-ins and assaults. In fact, if you keep a gun in your home you increase the odds of someone in your family getting shot by up to 1000%. No, I’m not talking about gun accidents. I’m talking about family members shooting themselves on purpose.
According to an […]

There’s a hot new book on parenting that’s already #187 on Amazon’s best-seller list. It’s called, “Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days”, by Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist, marriage and family expert, and common guest on “Good Morning America.”
The Chicago Tribune’s Anne Stein […]

The New York Times wrote a lengthy article bemoaning gender roles in childcare and housework, essentially stating that division of labor in the house had changed little since the 1990’s despite concerted efforts to re-educate society.
Kathleen Parker of The National Review takes it for granted that men and women are simply different. In her article, […]

Hara Marano has written a book entitled “A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting,” and it’s fascinating. In its review, the Wall Street Journal explores both sides of the issue.
On the one hand, the Journal agrees with Marano that “over-involved parents are sapping the will of America’s youth, keeping them from learning […]

This cover story from Time Magazine suggests that we parents have focused our energy in the wrong place. We’re all killing ourselves to provide our children with perfect, trauma-free childhoods. In fact, we can have more positive impact on a child’s life course by focusing on her first 9 months in the WOMB […]

I thought this brief article (from Canada’s top newsmagazine, “Maclean’s”) was an excellent summary of the sometimes unhealthy triangle I have observed between parents and their only child. It also addresses the question of whether overparenting stems from true love, or a parent’s hidden agenda:
http://www.macleans.ca/culture/lifestyle/article.jsp?content=20080430_106899_106899
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David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, writer, and […]

Our herd instincts have hard-wired us to worry about what others think of us, but defining ourselves in our family of origin sets us free.
We humans are hard-wired to worry about what other people think of us, because the herd is essential to our survival. In the herds of families or corporations, we know […]

Building a dependable friendship with your spouse takes the pressure off your kids because they don’t have to become your surrogate friend in an unhealthy codependence. It also sets a great example for them to emulate when they marry and start families. Dependable friendship comes from sharing your thoughts, feelings and dreams with […]

In the name of love, we intervene too often in our child’s welfare. We don’t realize we’re messing with Nature’s natural weaning process, and our children pay a huge price for that. Couples may not be aware how the distance between them affects their perception of their child’s alleged “problem.” But the […]

I will never forget the words of a doctor from Columbia Medical School who specializes in children’s cancer. She said, “I seldom worry about a child’s prognosis when I see her parents fighting with each other. Cancer is a crisis, and all that stress has to go somewhere. It’s the kid whose […]

The mother-infant bond is an animal instinct that is essential to an infant’s survival, and also brings us primal joy as parents. But if we don’t emotionally wean our children, it jeopardizes their future relationships (not to mention our marriage).
The truth is, we often feel more love from our kids than from […]

You may be surprised to learn that having sex releases a hormone in the brain called oxytocin, which is strongly associated with the instincts of both pair-bonding and the mother-infant bond. Given this primal neurochemical link, the goal is to achieve a balance of intimacy and separateness in both relationships. With Mom you […]

There’s a reason your long-lost relatives are long-lost. When family members grow apart, it’s a survival mechanism because they overreact to each other. That’s why distancing from family members is a silent killer-you feel relief initially, but the reactivity that drove you apart just festers inside and corrodes your subsequent relationships with others. […]

Our herd instinct is the tremendous drive we feel to fit in, to win approval, and to not make waves. The discomfort we feel when others dislike us, criticize us or gossip about us is evidence of our innate pack mentality.
However, thanks to the unique, thinking part of our brain, we humans aspire […]

It’s remarkable how subjective our view of reality is, even when we’re sure we know the “truth”. Humans may wear nice suits and speak sophisticated words, but when it comes to how we view relationships, we might as well be naked in the jungle again, screaming and swinging from tree to tree. What […]