Myth #1: The More Attention We Give Our Kids, The Better They Turn Out
Many parents believe the more attention we give our kids, the better they’ll turn out, but our kids are not healthier or happier than they were a generation ago. In fact, today’s children are more troubled because we’ve started marrying our kids instead of our spouses.
We claim we’re too busy to spend time with our spouses, but actually, many of us have shifted our passion from our spouses to our children. We may be over-focusing on our kids to escape an unfulfilling marriage. But if we find it easier to be with our kids than with our spouse, our kids pay a heavy price for that.
As spouses grow more distant in their marriage, they project their distress and needs onto their children. On the surface, things may appear calm between the parents, but kids pick up on everything. Children may soak up the tension in their households until their fragile nervous systems hit overload, and then they act out or develop health problems as a result. Many of today’s children are essentially bearing the burden of misplaced stress from their parents’ distant marriages. Medical research has already confirmed the link between anxious parents and children with emotional or health problems.
A problem in your child may be a wake-up call for your marriage. Once we become aware of how we are (unknowingly) sabotaging our children’s well-being, however, we can step off our current path to harm. My book explains how we mess up our kids with a pattern called Projection Onto Our Children, where our anxious overreaction to a child’s problem creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This information is crucial because what you don’t know will hurt you–and your kids. The modern approach to parenting may be turning them into unhappy future adults. Many of today’s parents, with the best of intentions, are on a lose-lose path: losing their own marital happiness and losing their child’s long-term happiness. The family is the basic building block of society, so until we wake up to this silent crisis in our families, no amount of money or educational reform will fix what ails our families or our nation.
We must regain a balance between tending our marriage and nurturing our children. When our marriages meet our intimacy needs, then we can stop marrying our children. This frees up our kids to establish their own identity, learn self-reliance, and become more independent adults. Our marriage can also set a great example for their future relationships. It’s win-win for every member of the family.
Here are some questions on how you relate to your spouse:
• When you and your spouse disagree, do you avoid expressing your feelings and talking things out, preferring rather to “keep the peace”?
• Do you worry after an argument that perhaps you’re on your way to divorce?
• Do you sometimes find it easier to spend time with your kids than with your spouse?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, your marriage may be in trouble, even if it seems peaceful. As John Gottman reminds us, even the best marriages still have chronic, unresolved arguments. Arguing is unpleasant, of course, but emotional engagement is better than avoidance.
Please check out my book by clicking here.
Every parent wants their child to be happy. But today many couples go too far, letting everything revolve around their kids. This approach hurts both the children and the marriage.
