Raising Citizens Instead of Consumers
Here’s the best of the comments (the last 2 are KILLER!) on the Wall Street Journal article on me . The folks below are responding to this quote of mine from the article: “Working to create a great marriage, by accepting your spouse for who he or she is and not letting the fight-or-flight response overwhelm your passion for each other, helps kids to “learn self-reliance and cooperation, and become citizens instead of consumers,” Mr. Code says. “Instead of trying to create perfect childhoods for our kids by making them the center of our universe, we should focus on creating a good marriage. Then the rest falls into place.”
–Now the comments begin below:
It makes for an interesting twist of this idea when you’re starting a second marriage and you both have children from previous marriages. I think it’s especially important in this circumstance but there is also the necessity of reassuring the children that they are still loved as always.
Comment by MWK&SK - September 8, 2008
My kids go to bed about an hour earlier than their peers. Why? To ensure that DH and I have some private quality time. We don’t always spend that time up in each other’s faces, but we do know that if there is something to talk about, just need some extra attention etc…there is a set time that the other spouse will be available and free from kid related responsibilities. I married him first…..
Comment by A Juggler - September 8, 2008
The whole child-centered perspective really resonated with us as something we didn’t want to be. A two-year-old terror in charge of every adult in reach is an ugly scenario! Our kids are welcome members to our family. We depend on each other: to work hard, to control attitudes and drama, and to trust one another in unwavering affection. Of course we are factually child-centered with our schedules, purchases, activity choices, etc. But first we are a team in a definite hierarchy of relationships. Is this really such a radical idea…That a 2 or 6 or 12- year-old’s perspectives and wants are not of prime relevance to objective reality or family direction? Our bigger challenge is to thoughtfully choose those values we wish to embrace and live and teach to the kids.
Comment by T-wife - September 8, 2008
3 kids in this family. I am a sah mom since number 3. Part of our success as a family is the time DH and I have together on nights out and weekends alone away here and there. In our house, we call the hovering mothers “sharks” in that if they quit trolling for friends or activities for their kids, they will die! Unfortunately, they don’t lavish this attention on the spouse and I anticipate some seperations when the kids fly the coop.
Comment by Chicago Mom - September 9, 2008
Nothing new or earth shattering about this piece…I find it lopsided as well. In my practice, I encourage parents to stive for BALANCE between their relationships with their spouse and their children. And for single parents, the challenge is to find balance between their need for friendship/companionship versus caring for their children. Too much focus on oneself or one’s adult needs may lead to insecure children who will act out as a way to express their upset. Conversely, placing all one’s focus on the children and repeatedly ignoring one’s needs or the needs of one’s spouse can lead to stress, depression and isolation. It’s all about the daily, tricky business of becoming attuned to oneself and striving towards balance in one’s life.
Comment by child psychologist - September 11, 2008
Maybe it’s not new to you, but it only takes a quick glance at peer parents these days to see how the majority of children are way over indlulged - not only with monetary things but also with time and attention from their parents. So many parents today don’t want their child to fail at anything or worse yet, want for anything. And, most of these parents will fight anyone who gets in the way, school, coaches, other parents etc. To me, this over indulgence is the worse form of child abuse there is. Maybe if more parents were focused on making their marriages the best they can be, there would less time for giving their children everything - and everyone would be better.
Comment by Mom of 4 to child psychologist - September 17, 2008
Kids pick up on everything, and research shows that children can "catch" their parents' stress just like they catch a virus—soaking up the stress that pervades a household until their developing nervous systems reach "overload." Then kids act-out, or get sick.
