A 79 year-old Catholic priest has been teaching a seminar to high school students about how to marry the right person. He’s extensively quoted in this New York Times article.

What struck me was not the advice he gave, but rather how worried people are about making the wrong choice. In this era of celebrity break-ups and high divorce rates, I think our society has created a myth that marital bliss depends largely on choosing the Right One.

That leaves me wondering how humans have married and stayed together for thousands of years, even before we had “experts.” Sure, social stigma historically played a role in keeping unhappy couples together. But now that social stigma is largely a thing of the past, and divorce has become normalized, why hasn’t the percentage of happy marriages gone up, in this era where we “marry for love”? And if our marriage is unhappy because we “chose the wrong mate,” why do second and third marriages have an even higher rate of divorce than first marriages?

I believe that, regardless of what we may hope for in a spouse, when it comes time to choose a mate, people follow their heart. That’s a romantic way of saying we can’t resist the mating instincts that dictate who we feel “chemistry” with. No matter how sensible it may be to marry “Mr. A,” we’ll go for “Mr. B” every time if we feel chemistry with him.

Imagine trusting in “chemistry,” and feeling certain that you’d married the perfect person for you. Imagine the relief we’d feel if we no longer secretly wondered if we’d married the right person. I think marriage is the ultimate forum for developing relationship skills, and learning how to love. I’ll never forget a Catholic nun who had counseled couples for years. She said, “Marriage is like two mules being tied together at the neck: their haunches are covered with burrs, and it’s painful as they constantly rub up against each other. But over the years, they eventually rub those burrs off.”

I don’t think marriage is about finding the perfect mate. I think it’s about commitment to remaining tied at the neck, even when those burrs scrape and cut. Many people give up because the burrs are too painful, but I don’t think the next mule they tie up to is going to be any better. We all bring our burrs with us.

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Rev. David Code is an Episcopal minister and family coach. His published articles and a 2′ video of his seminars: http://davidarthurcode.com/bio-david/

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