What Do Others Think of You?
Our herd instincts have hard-wired us to worry about what others think of us, but defining ourselves in our family of origin sets us free.
We humans are hard-wired to worry about what other people think of us, because the herd is essential to our survival. In the herds of families or corporations, we know that if we make too many waves, we risk ostracism and isolation. Yet we crave both the approval of fitting in, and the fulfillment of standing up for what we believe in: the struggle between togetherness and individuality. But if you and I ever hope to make a difference in this world, it requires that we rise above the pack. We can train ourselves to do so by defining ourselves within our families: our principles, beliefs, and what we will and will not do. When we can calmly stand up for principles and beliefs in the face of family pressure, then we will have conquered our fear of disapproval. Then we can do what’s best for our marriages and children in the long run, rather than just kowtowing to our insecure need for approval in the short term.
If you’re looking for a crash course in defining yourself, nothing works faster than a family reunion. It’s like Jane Goodall moving from the wild into a zoo: a reunion brings a high concentration of your herd into one room for observation, and emotions run high. As the communication increases among this web of family relationships, an almost-tangible emotional cloud will emerge (think “the tension was so thick you could cut it” or “the room was electric”). Although they may not be consciously aware of it, these social animals will be anxious about reuniting with kin with whom they’ve been out of touch for generations, so there’s sure to be drama leading up to the event. You can either learn from observing the drama, or choose to wade out into the middle of that emotional morass and take a stand on some issue that defines you as thinking independently from the emotional stuck-togetherness of the group.
There will be predictable threats for you to get back in line and conform, but if you can calmly stay the course without counter-attacking or distancing, you will succeed in defining yourself as a mature individual of principle and clarity. The bonus is, the more you can calmly define yourself within the crucible of your family of origin, the easier it is to define what you stand for in your own family, your workplace, or community.
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David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, writer, and founder of The Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids. Read more about his work at http://DavidArthurCode.com.
Kids pick up on everything, and research shows that children can "catch" their parents' stress just like they catch a virus—soaking up the stress that pervades a household until their developing nervous systems reach "overload." Then kids act-out, or get sick.
