In the name of love, we intervene too often in our child’s welfare. We don’t realize we’re messing with Nature’s natural weaning process, and our children pay a huge price for that. Couples may not be aware how the distance between them affects their perception of their child’s alleged “problem.” But the more we shift our attention from our spouse to our children, the less likely our kids will succeed in life, because they’re not being properly “weaned” from dependence on their parents. Kids may become scapegoats for their parents’ distant marriage, and that’s when they develop behavior problems or mysterious illnesses.

Psychiatrist Carl Jung believed that the greatest detriment to children is the unlived life of their parents. It stands to reason that people pursuing their passion have less time and energy to squabble with their spouse or obsess about their kids.

You need to define your priorities and what you believe about life, passion, career, and relationships. Once you get clear on what you stand for, you’ll approach life with more certainty. Conviction is a strange paradox, in that the more you’re OK with your decisions, the more people around you will tend to be OK too. Clarifying your beliefs means you can make your contribution to the world with passion, and Thomas Friedman writes correctly in The World is Flat that our kids need to develop their passions more than their resume. If we parents stop micromanaging our kids and focus instead on our passions, we’ll set a great example for them to develop as independent thinkers with their own mission in life. That’s win-win, because it guarantees us all a fulfilling future.

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David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, writer, and founder of The Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids. Read more about his work at http://DavidArthurCode.com.

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