There’s a reason your long-lost relatives are long-lost. When family members grow apart, it’s a survival mechanism because they overreact to each other. That’s why distancing from family members is a silent killer-you feel relief initially, but the reactivity that drove you apart just festers inside and corrodes your subsequent relationships with others.

The good news is that this over-sensitivity in your family’s outcasts tends to make them hyper-observant, and they can offer great insight into your family. If you befriend the black sheep and the outcasts of your family, you will become more whole and learn more about what makes you tick than a decade of therapy. If you can face the demons that drive people apart in your family of origin, then you won’t have to face those demons over and over again in your intimate relationships.

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David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, writer, and founder of The Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids. Read more about his work at http://DavidArthurCode.com.

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