Why Your Spouse Is Wrong
Generally speaking, there are two types of couples: 1) The “both blame each other” couple, where there’s open conflict; and 2) The “blamer and self-blamer” couple, where one spouse always blames the other, who submits. Of course, most of us lie somewhere on a continuum: some of us blame our spouse a lot, and some of us blame ourselves a lot.
Here’s a typical example of the “Both Blame Each Other” couple. Let’s call this couple “Bob and Jackie,” and we catch up with them at a potluck supper at their church. Bob runs into a work colleague, who mentions a deeply disturbing letter pertaining to some aspect of their work. When Bob hears this news, he gets anxious about it. He’s trying to have fun at the dinner, but now his worry has the best of him. What could be so deeply disturbing?
Now Jackie is in the nursery, picking up their kids and preparing them to go home. She’s in that “get home” mode. She’s tired, and the kids are cranky. Bob shows up at the doorway of the nursery and he says, “I need a few minutes to talk to Fred.”
Jackie doesn’t say a word, but she looks down in dismay and frustration, and that gesture just nails Bob. In that flash of an instant he feels, “Here we go again. I’ve disappointed her again!”
From Bob’s point of view, the first shot has already been fired, even though Jackie never said a word. Bob fires back with “You have no idea what I’m up against! So just take the kids and the car and go home!”
Not a very friendly interchange among lifelong lovers, is it? Have you ever been there? I have.
Bob deals with whatever he had to deal with. Jackie actually does wait for him, so they go home together, but the evening is a little less than relaxing. There’s a lot of silence and tension between them. A few skirmishes break out; they blame each other. Jackie says to herself, but not to Bob, “Why was Bob yelling at me like that? If it’s a work problem, why is he taking it out on me?”
And Bob in turn says something like this to himself, not to her: “Why did she have to give me that ticked-off look? I’m doing the best I can! Doesn’t she trust me that if I say I need a few minutes that it must be for some good reason? Can’t she see that I’m not just running off to the casino or something?”
So there they are. You may have guessed at this point that this argument is not just about saying the right words, as in, “If only Bob had said X.” “If only Jackie had said Y…” This argument is about blame. Their fight-or-flight hormones have flooded their brains, and reactivity runs the show. Next time we’ll look at the other most common type of couple, and then we’ll examine what to do about both cases.
–
David Code is an Episcopal minister, family coach, writer, and founder of The Center for Staying Married & Raising Great Kids. Read more about his work at http://DavidArthurCode.com.
