The Caveman Within Each of Us
Many factors go into the chemistry we feel for another, but I’m going to discuss just one: we only feel chemistry for potential mates at roughly our same level of anxiety. Anxiety is more than a nervous feeling. It is a natural survival instinct within us, just like our mating instinct. Our level of inner anxiety determines how we react to other people: whether we attack, counter-attack, get defensive, or avoid them. Since our anxiety has a big influence over how we behave, we instinctively select a mate who has a similar perception of the imminence of threat. We feel chemistry and compatibility with someone who reacts to the world (and its threats) with the same level of intensity.
Back in our caveman days, it certainly made sense that we would choose mates with the same level of anxiety. It’s hard to maintain a relationship if you’re constantly on the lookout for attack while your spouse is casually lounging in the sun, or vice versa. A couple with similar perceptions of threat would get along more smoothly in procreation and raising their young. Hence, we humans feel “chemistry” for a partner with our level of anxiety, because we instinctively sense that they will perceive threats with the same level of intensity we do, even if we may react to those threats in very different ways.
The anxiety factor in chemistry explains why a person of higher anxiety spends a lot of time in “drama” mode. In a sense, he or she is “stuck” in fight-or-flight mode, and unconsciously seeks someone to fight with (or flee from). People with higher anxiety perceive more threats in their lives more often, and tend to act as if they’re in life-and-death situations when they are not.
If both spouses have a high level of anxiety, they will have a greater tendency to attack each other, get defensive, or avoid each other. Chemistry has therefore become more a matter of personality and compatibility than of survival. A low-anxiety person is unlikely to be attracted to a high-anxiety person. Mahatma Gandhi may feel compassion for a guest on the Jerry Springer show, but he’s unlikely to marry her. High-anxiety people may feel uncomfortable or intimidated around lower-anxiety folks, who are unlikely to be attracted to anxious people who have more drama in their lives.
