What We Call “Stress” is Actually Anxiety
The “chemistry” we feel when we’re selecting a mate goes beyond just choosing a nice person with a nice appearance. “Chemistry” also implies that there’s a mutual attraction, where both people tacitly agree that there’s a reciprocal benefit in “pair-bonding.” This suggests a kind of compatibility and give-and-take in the traits each mate has to offer. One mate may be more attractive than the other, but the other mate may have more “resources” to provide for a comfortable “nest” for their future together. But as these two potential mates size each other up instinctively in a few seconds, there’s another huge factor in their chemistry that they’re not even aware of.
That factor is anxiety. Although we usually aren’t aware of it, people feel chemistry for others who have the same level of anxiety. Let me explain:
We often confuse the concepts of stress and anxiety. Most of us think of stress as an external force in our lives. That’s true. But when we say we’re stressed, we’re usually referring to that uncomfortable feeling of pressure within. That inner pressure is anxiety, and it’s an instinct that’s been with us since our caveman days.
We don’t think of anxiety as an instinct. We think of it as a sensation of unease that we want to get rid of as quickly as possible. But anxiety has been around as long as animals have been eating each other. Back in our caveman days, anxiety helped us to anticipate danger and decide if we wanted to fight back or run away.
Think of anxiety as the trigger on the “gun” of our fight-or-flight response. In an era when our ancestors faced life-and-death decisions on a daily basis, anxiety was a very useful survival mechanism, which used to dictate a large portion of our behavior. Today, however, the well-intentioned instinct of anxiety gets us into trouble more often than it gets us out.
Many couples I talk to recognize full well that their marriage is headed south, but they don’t know how to change it. What can couples do to turn things around? The answer is primal anxiety. In my next posting, we’ll learn how primal anxiety determines who we fall in love with–and how that same anxiety can destroy our love.
