I’ve pasted the full text below, but you can also follow this link to the original article:
http://www.pennlive.com/patriotnews/stories/index.ssf?/base/opinion/117397140897210.xml&coll=1

FOCUS ON INDIVIDUALS RISKS FAMILIES’ SURVIVAL
AS I SEE IT: DAVID ARTHUR CODE
Sunday, March 18, 2007

Because I am an Episcopal minister, people confide in me about what goes on behind the scenes in families. I have shared in the thrill of weddings and of children born to happy parents. I have also witnessed the crushing agony of divorce, blended families and children in crisis.

You need to know about three ways traditional psychology is actually harming your family, not helping.

Myth No. 1: “If you argue, your marriage is bad and is headed for divorce.” John Gottman’s 1989 research casts serious doubt on this popular myth. I believe the real silent killer of a marriage is distancing.

Distancing is caused by the flight portion of our fight-or-flight instinct. Like other animals, we humans are in fight-or-flight mode dozens of times each day. It’s easy to recognize our fight mode when we snap at our spouses or honk at jerks on the freeway. However, we don’t realize we are in flight from our spouses every time we switch on the TV, pour that extra drink or shuttle the kids to yet another lesson.

Our two favorite ways of avoiding our spouses might be more time at work and more attention on the kids. We might become experts at justifying both, but years later, we wake up next to our spouses and realize the flames have long since died.

Myth No. 2: “The more attention you give your kids, the better they’ll turn out.” Dr. A.C. DeOcampo rebuts that myth in the journal Child Psychiatry and Human Development. When we focus anxiously on our kids, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that turns “molehills into mountains.” We’re shooting our kids in the foot.

The truth is, we often feel more love from our kids than from our spouses, so we make our children the center of our lives. From the outside, it seems as though this model is child-friendly, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The ultimate result is a double-whammy for the kids: the burden of emotional baggage and (often) the separation of their parents.

So how can we stop the bleeding of the American family?

We need some preventive medicine to help couples avoid the marital red zone. A family therapy called Bowen family systems theory has saved my marriage and could do the same for others. Here’s a summary of traditional vs. Bowen theory:

Traditional therapy looks at the human as an individual. It’s strange that we accept this as truth when you consider the evolution of species. Primates are herd animals. We humans share more than 96 percent of our DNA with chimpanzees, as well as the great majority of our brain structure.

Bowen theory looks at the human as a herd animal, rather than an individual. Our chimpanzee cousins live, work and play in multigenerational families. Likewise, we humans were born and raised in a herd — our family of origin. Bowen theory studies how humans grow up in their families, just like Jane Goodall observes our chimp relatives. Doesn’t it make sense that we could learn a lot about our behavior by studying our animal cousins?

Traditional therapy focuses on our feelings: If we get in touch with and express our negative feelings, the catharsis is supposed to be healing. But our feelings are like the weather: ever-changing and difficult to predict.

Bowen theory focuses on our animal instincts, such as the herd instinct or fight-or-flight. We love to think of ourselves as nonconformist, thoughtful individuals. But I believe we often act out of instinct and then use our minds to justify what we did. For example, what we call office politics is a fancy name for the herd instinct, territoriality, and fight-or-flight. Bowen theory helps us become aware of how our instincts get us into problems on a daily basis, at work and at home.

The stakes have never been higher, because the family unit is essential for our survival as a species. If lions, elephants or chimpanzees abandoned the family structure of their herds, we would expect a rapid extinction of the species. To imagine that the human animal is different is living in denial.

Myth No. 3 is about denial: “Medication is helping families cope with problems.” In fact, it’s helping us feel good instead of addressing family issues. According to a study by Consumer Reports, more than 68 percent of the people who seek mental health services end up on medication. For those with depressive or anxiety symptoms, more than 80 percent end up on medication!

Of course, these drugs might be a godsend for severe cases, but psychotropics have become socially acceptable for otherwise healthy people in today’s society. If the rate of new Paxil users continues to accelerate beyond the current pace of 3,000 to 5,000 per day, it won’t be long until we’re the Paxil nation.

It’s time to admit that the emperor has no clothes. Psychology’s focus on the individual is killing our children with kindness. We need to take back the family now, or we will become our own endangered species.

–
from The Harrisburg Patriot-News

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