Traditional psychology has misled us. If you argue, it doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage. So, wash away your guilt and shame, and read on: Many studies now suggest that the real silent killer of marriage is “distancing,” which is caused by the “flight” portion of the fight-or-flight instinct that we humans share with our animal cousins.

Like other animals, we humans are in fight-or-flight mode dozens of times each day. It’s easy to recognize our “fight” mode when we snap at our spouse, or honk at the jerk on the freeway. However, we don’t even realize we are “fleeing” from our spouses every time we switch on the TV, pour that extra drink, or shuttle the kids to yet another lesson. Our two favorite ways of avoiding our spouse may be: 1) More time at work, and 2) More attention on the kids. We may become experts at justifying both, but then years later we wake up next to our spouse and realize the flame has long since died.

For example, “Chris” (not his real name) was stunned when his wife asked for a divorce. They had seldom fought, and he thought everything was fine. At first he was full of anger and blame, but looking back on their years together, Chris began to notice a pattern.

He noticed that his wife had certain habits that he chronically overreacted to in their relationship. However, he knew that if he got upset and brought these things up to his wife, they would argue and it would escalate. So, he just retreated into himself, rather than trying to calmly talk things out. He had always thought it was noble to “keep the peace.”

In retrospect, however, Chris could see that each time he retreated into himself with his hurt, he was just one millimeter more distant from his spouse (and one degree colder). Over the years, those millimeters and degrees added up, until the couple became so distant and chilly that the flame died. This was one of those divorces where family and friends were shocked, saying, “How could this be? After all, they never fought…”

So you see, arguing is no fun for the couple, or those in the room. But it may be the least of all evils. I will never forget the words of a doctor from Columbia Medical School who specializes in children’s cancer. She said, “I seldom worry about a child’s prognosis when I see her parents fighting with each other. Cancer is a crisis, and all that stress has to go somewhere. It’s the kid whose parents are distant and reserved that I worry about.”

So, we have now taken a brief look at two general types of couples, the blamer-and-self-blamer couple, and the blamer-conflictual couple. Of course, most of our marriages are a combination of the two types. My main goal here is to help you see these two archetypes in the relationships around you, and in your own marriage. Why? Because once you begin to identify your tendency to blame, it helps you become less blaming. And that’s good for peace of mind, as well as your family. It’s not a pleasant place to be: always wondering if you made a mistake in choosing your mate. And believe me, in my years as a minister I’ve met very few couples who don’t wonder if they married the wrong person.

Probably the single greatest benefit of studying Bowen Theory is that we are free of the destructive fantasy that perhaps we made a mistake. Bowen’s theory of human behavior helped Karen and I to understand why we do what we do. We’re aware of the mating instinct that threw us together so passionately, and the fight instinct that led us to our fights. We also became aware of the ensuing Silent Treatment, which is just another name for our “flight” instinct (with a little passive-aggressiveness thrown in). We recognize how the unresolved emotional attachment each of us has with our parents made us perfect lovers for each other (more on that later). We acknowledge that regardless of outward appearances, we actually share the same degree of blaming tendency (I tend to blame others, she tends to blame herself), which accounts for our powerful attraction to each other.

Tomorrow I’ll discuss some of the other benefits of spotting The Blame Game in your marriage.

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