Have you ever looked at your spouse and wondered, “Did I make a mistake?”
Have you ever looked at your spouse and wondered, “Did I make a mistake?” Me too.
The biggest gift Bowen Theory has given my marriage was not to eliminate divorce as an option. The “exit door” is still there in plain view, with a red neon exit sign above it. But my wife and I are no longer interested in taking that exit. We’re not even curious about divorce, because we now understand that there is no point in marrying someone else. We didn’t make a mistake in choosing our mate. We wouldn’t “do better next time.” And any blame we attach to our spouse is not as it seems. What do I mean by the above statements? Let me unpack them, one by one.
There’s no point in marrying someone else. We’ve already found the perfect spouse. For most of us, when we fell in love with our spouse, they seemed like the perfect mate. Love is blind, right? And with good reason. You see, two of the most powerful instincts that govern human behavior are the same instincts that govern most animals’ behavior: the mating instinct, and the instinct to reproduce. In human terms, this means the drive to find a mate, and the desire to have children.
I suppose one could debate whether humans mate for life, but as long as we agree that some animals do mate for life, that’s all that matters to my argument here. Even if you’d like to make a case for serial monogamy, I feel safe in saying that most societies view lifelong monogamy as the ideal. One could further argue that choosing one’s mate is the most important decision we will make in a lifetime, since this will be our lover, our partner, and the co-parent of our children.
So why don’t we choose our mate more carefully? Why don’t we sit them down with detailed pre-screening tests, written agreements, and careful vetting by our family and friends? The answer is hormones. The mating instinct releases a rush of hormones in our bodies when we meet a potential mate, such that lust and infatuation take over. We can use the terms “romance” and “love” if you prefer, but the hormones rushing through our veins make no distinction. Many couples describe a “love at first sight” quality, where one “just knew he or she was the one for me.” We spin fabulous, embellished yarns about how fate brought us together, but the physiological reality is that hormones brought us together, and to think there’s only one person out there for each of us defies reality. Otherwise, why would anyone re-marry?
The truth is, there are probably somewhere between hundreds and thousands of people on earth who would be suitable as our spouse. So, you and your hormones picked the spouse that happened to come along at the right time, and the hormones washing through your brain convinced you that this person was “the one.” And that’s OK! There’s nothing wrong with that. We all do it.
My wife Karen and I are a good example of “right person at the right time.” We met in the second week of freshman year in college. We were friends for years, and it was only in our senior year that I felt the rush of lust, and wanted to be more than friends with her. She did not feel the same rush of hormones, however, so she straight-armed me. But we remained friends, and it was over five years after college that we met up again in Paris. She was on the rebound from a serious boyfriend, I was still in lust with her, and hey—we were in Paris.
That was May 8, 1992. Need I say more? We were so in love it was like a movie (including all the “drama”). But we were each other’s “right person at the right time.” The hormones took over, and suddenly, Karen “saw me differently.” Now that it was mutual, a “romance” was quickly born. We didn’t marry for five more years, but it was on May 8 we formed a relationship that had the POTENTIAL to be lifelong. Finally, in 1996 we realized we couldn’t live without each other, and in 1997 we married on the campus of our alma mater. We mated—not just in the sexual sense, but in the partnering sense.
So, what determines when your body releases that rush of hormones? There’s some kind of instinctive, involuntary process by which we choose our mates. Actually, “choose” is a big word. It’s more like, “are attracted, or involuntarily drawn to” our mate. What is our brain looking for before it flips the Hormone Switch and we fall head-over-heels in love with someone we wouldn’t logically be attracted to (here’s your answer to why good girls fall for bad boys). Sure, part of this attraction process is thoughtful: like shared interests, similar socio-economic backgrounds, and so on. But the majority of the process is subjective: physical size or appearance, personality, and of course, that elusive factor we call “chemistry.”
We’ll discuss the fabulous and fascinating concept of chemistry in tomorrow’s posting.
