Going on Safari in Your Family of Origin
If you’re anything like me, you think that family reunions are a strange combination of dull relatives and family drama. Why would you want to even attend a reunion, let alone organize one?
Because nothing will help you accept yourself more. If you can not only meet all your relatives, but actually find a way to get interested in them and enjoy their company, you have gone a long way to accepting your parents, yourself, and your children. Why? Because you’ll be amazed at how certain traits and behaviors run in the family, almost as if they’re genetically passed on to each branch of the clan. Meeting all your relatives is like observing a football game from way high up in the press box: if you were down on the field among the players, all might seem like violent chaos. But when you have a bird’s-eye view of the field, you can notice patterns and behaviors that just look random and chaotic from field level.
Actually, the “violent chaos” metaphor serves pretty well in the case of most families. When you’re blaming your parents for something wrong in your life, it tends to be a rather touchy topic, right? So, you probably all tip-toe around that subject, because you know that it’s highly likely to end up like the violent chaos of the football field. But, what if you could observe all your relatives interacting, and notice that the same irritating behavior of your parents can be found in most of your relatives? Suddenly, you have a bird’s-eye view of the playing field.
It’s a big step forward when you see that your parents are the way they are not because they’re mean or insensitive or bad. They just inherited certain baggage that runs in your family, and they (unwittingly) passed it on to you. Imagine the miraculous shift in perception you can have if you realize that your parents are not to blame for your suffering. They’re just “playing the hands they were dealt.” They didn’t ask to inherit the baggage that was passed down to them by their ancestors. They weren’t even aware from whence it came. That’s why they shouldn’t be blamed for the baggage they passed on to you.
Now do you see the incredible benefits of organizing a family reunion? It’s an excellent way to get perspective on your family. Like Jane Goodall, you can go on safari in your own family, and observe the strange behaviors and inherited traits of the unique species that is your family. If you enjoy watching “Meerkat Manor” on TV, hey—your family reunion can be ten times more dramatic (although the characters may not be as cute).
Seriously, imagine the peace of mind you could enjoy if you felt less anger towards your parents. Sure, if you like, you can still assume they were wrong or mistaken, if that somehow serves you. But what if some of their mistakes and shortcomings were the legacy of your ancestors, passed down to them? I don’t want to argue about nature versus nurture, but what if observing your parents’ behaviors in your relatives left you feeling less blame, and more acceptance for what your parents’ did, or didn’t do? What if you could begin to accept their behavior as (at least to some degree) beyond their conscious control?
I believe that blame and acceptance are mutually exclusive: the less you blame your parents for how you turned out, the more you accept them as they are. It logically follows that the more you accept your parents, the less their behavior persists in your life. That is to say, the less of their baggage has been passed on to you, and the less baggage you will pass on to your kids.
So, let’s review: why do you want to organize a family reunion? Because you can see your parents from the “big picture perspective” of the stadium’s top stands, rather than the view we’re used to: the swirling chaotic view from field-level. Like Jane Goodall, you begin to observe your family’s behavior patterns more dispassionately, such that they upset you less, and you’re left feeling less resentment and blame towards your parents. Thus, your reaction formation is lessened, your self-fulfilling prophecy tendencies are lessened, and the “buck stops with you.” Less of the family’s baggage, which has been unwittingly passed down for generations, now stops with you. You have given your child more freedom than they will ever know.
