Surprise! You Married the Perfect Spouse!
Have you ever looked at your spouse and wondered, “Did I make a mistake?” Me too.
Karen and I were friends from college for nine years, but it was in Paris on May 8, 1992 when we became more than friends. We were so in love it was like a movie (including all the “drama”). We clung together passionately in Paris, then broke up when she moved to New York. Later I followed her to New York, but we broke up again. Finally, in 1996 we realized we couldn’t live without each other, and in 1997 we married on the campus of our alma mater.
I remember our fights in those first years. It would start over a trifle, and accelerate from zero-to-sixty in 1.4 seconds. I would stomp out of the house, walk the streets of the Upper West Side, and upon my return we’d play a lively game of Silent Treatment for anywhere from two hours to two days. Not fun.
Believe me, in all my years as a minister I’ve met very few couples who don’t wonder if they married the wrong person.
Probably the single greatest benefit of studying Bowen Theory is that we are free of the destructive fantasy that perhaps we made a mistake. Bowen’s psychological theory of human behavior helped us understand why we do what we do. We’re aware of the mating instinct that threw us together so passionately, and the fight-or-flight instinct that threatened to drive us apart during our fights (and the ensuing Silent Treatment). We recognize how the unresolved emotional attachment each of us has with our parents made us perfect lovers for each other. We acknowledge that regardless of outward appearances, we actually have the same level of immaturity, which accounts for our powerful attraction to each other.
In other words, if we divorced, we’d instinctively go out and find another lover with the same level of immaturity once again (regardless of outward appearances and habits). So, why put ourselves through that agony? Instead, we have committed to building a dependable friendship that can sustain us through the decades to come. You see, nobody removed the exit door from our marriage. We removed the delusions that life would be better outside that door. You want to talk about a life-changing insight? You bet it is.
If you feel inclined, I’d be very interested to read your courtship and marriage story. You can post it here anonymously, with a few highlights of your courtship, and a few lowlights of the daily routine of your marriage. You’ll be amazed at how comforting it is to read that others are in the same boat as you. And we can learn so much from each other’s experience.
