The Washington Post hosts Leslie Morgan Steiner’s blog on balancing work and family, and today she responded to a Forbes.com article originally titled “Don’t Marry Career Women.” I’m concerned that as we parents wring our hands about “Time Poverty,” and “balancing work and family,” we’re actually missing the point:

I believe the concept of “juggling work and family” is merely a symptom of the greater disease attacking the American family today. The problem is not which spouse works and which spouse shuttles the kids to lessons. The problem is how many hours a couple spends separately. Psychiatrist Murray Bowen called it Distancing, and I consider it the silent killer of marriage, which we ignore at our peril.

We humans would do well to remember that we share more instincts with our animal cousins than we care to admit. The fight-or-flight response is one of them.

We human animals are in fight-or-flight mode dozens of times each day. It’s easy to recognize our “fight” mode when we snap at our spouse, or honk at the jerk on the freeway. However, we don’t even realize we’re in “flight” mode from our spouses when we switch on the TV, pour that extra drink, or shuttle the kids to yet another lesson. Our two favorite avoidance behaviors are:
a) More time at work, and
b) More time with the kids.
We’re experts at justifying both, but then years later we wake up next to our spouse and realize the flame has long since died. You see, it’s seldom our “fight” mode that kills marriages. When we distance from each other in order to “keep the peace,” that’s the REAL silent killer.

Divorce is an extreme example of distancing. However, aside from legal divorce, there are many subtle ways that we commit “emotional divorce” from spouses every day. We avoid emotional topics that make one or both parties uncomfortable. We avoid making important decisions because we know that discussing them is likely to end in an argument. We avoid sharing our thoughts, feelings, or dreams with our spouse, because it may make us vulnerable to attack or ridicule. We retreat into TV, working overtime, alcohol or an extra-marital affair. Distancing is a silent killer because each avoidance of one’s spouse is a move away from him or her, one millimeter at a time. It’s hard to notice how far a couple has grown apart until some crisis knocks aside their chronic denial.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Building a family may be difficult, but it IS simple. We yearn for the same things we want to teach our kids: how to be in a committed relationship, how to raise great kids, and how to make a contribution to society.

That’s why I created this online community you are visiting now. In these articles, I describe how a psychological theory known as Family Systems Theory has brought order to the chaos of my family. I have begun to wean myself from my addiction to Distancing and Passing On My Baggage To My Kids.

Less is indeed more. As my wife and I practice these new rules for families, we have found a new simplicity, integrity, and (dare I say it) joy in our family.

Our children’s children will reap what we sow. Let’s swallow some preventive medicine, and stop distancing from our spouse before it’s too late.

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