Today the New York Times chronicled the latest symptoms of the disease that is silently infecting more marriages every day. Here’s an excerpt from “Laptop Slides Into Bed in Love Triangle”:

“As electronic devices get smaller, people tote their technology around the house more than ever. And as the number of home wireless networks also grows, laptops — along with Treos, BlackBerries and other messaging devices — are migrating into the bedroom and onto the bed. The marital bed has survived his-and-her book lights and the sushi-laden bed tray. Can it also survive computers that tether their owners to the office or make the bed the workplace itself?”

Of course, laptops are just tools. But they can be used (unconsciously) to shield a spouse from marital problems that fester, and eventually engulf the marriage. Here’s a true story from a parishioner at my church:

Chris” (not his real name) was stunned when his wife asked for a divorce. They had seldom fought, and he thought everything was fine. At first he was full of anger and blame, but looking back on their years together, Chris began to notice a pattern.

He noticed that his wife had certain habits that he chronically overreacted to in their relationship. However, he knew that if he was upset and brought these things up to his wife, they would argue and it would escalate. So, he just retreated into himself, rather than trying to calmly talk things out. He had always thought it was noble to “keep the peace.”

In retrospect, however, Chris could see that each time he retreated into himself with his hurt, he was just one millimeter more distant from his spouse (and one degree colder). Over the years, those millimeters and degrees added up, until the couple became so distant and chilly that the flame died. This was one of those divorces where family and friends were shocked, saying, “How could this be? After all, they never fought…”

The problem is not arguing. It’s “Distancing,” the silent killer of marriage.

We human animals are in fight-or-flight mode dozens of times each day. It’s easy to recognize our “fight” mode when we snap at our spouse, or honk at the jerk on the freeway. However, we don’t even realize we’re in “flight” mode from our spouses when we switch on the TV, pour that extra drink, or shuttle the kids to yet another lesson. Our two favorite avoidance behaviors are:
a) More time at work, and
b) More time with the kids.
We’re experts at justifying both, but then years later we wake up next to our spouse and realize the flame has long since died. You see, it’s seldom our “fight” mode that kills marriages. When we distance from each other in order to “keep the peace,” that’s the REAL silent killer.

Divorce is an extreme example of distancing. But aside from legal divorce, there are many subtle ways that we commit “emotional divorce” from spouses every day. We avoid emotional topics that make one or both parties uncomfortable. We avoid making important decisions because we know that discussing them is likely to end in an argument. We avoid sharing our thoughts, feelings or dreams with our spouse, because it may make us vulnerable to attack or ridicule. We retreat into TV, working overtime, alcohol or an extra-marital affair. Distancing is a silent killer because each avoidance of one’s spouse is a move away from her, one millimeter at a time. It’s hard to notice how far a couple has grown apart until some crisis knocks aside their chronic denial.

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