How To Deal With Mean People
When “Sheila” picked up her kids from summer day camp, two staffers crowded around her and anxiously told of how her 7 year-old son “Jake” had been teased almost to tears by two 10 year-old girls on a camp field trip.
Sheila’s first reaction was anger. How dare two older kids gang up on a younger one like that! She found one of the girls, and spoke to her on the spot, but the girl seemed so sullen and insolent that it was like talking to a stone. The staffers had also spoken to these girls, with little effect. Her son was sobbing that he didn’t want to go back to camp anymore. What to do?
I walked her through several steps during our coaching session:
Step One: Calm Yourself Down
“Kids (and adults) get teased every day,” I said to her. “Why does this evoke such emotion in you?” Sheila confided that as a child, she had been singled out on the school bus and teased mercilessly. Nothing seemed to stop the teasing: she was terrified to tattle because tattling would mean being shunned by her peers. Once when she did tell her parents, they intervened awkwardly. That of course made it worse for Sheila because the kids sneered at the “Tattle Baby.” She pretended the teasing didn’t bother her, but her agony left scars that she felt even today, through her son’s pain.
Beware the self-fulfilling prophecy. Most parents who were teased then go on to worry so much about their child’s welfare that they create their own worst nightmare. They over-react, “make mountains out of mole hills,” and unintentionally pass on their “teasing” legacy to their child.
Humans are herd animals. I’ve watched chimpanzees, cattle, dogs and even turtles pick on each other. I suspect that no amount of policing will eliminate teasing from our species. We might as well learn to deal with it, since these social skills will also serve us in dealing with adult “bullies” too. Teasing is not a crisis. It is a teaching moment, where you can train your kid with valuable social skills that will serve them for a lifetime.
Step Two: Calm your Kid Down by Getting the Facts
The very next day, Jake came home from camp, bursting to tell his mom the injustice he had suffered once again at the hands of the same two girls. But this time, Sheila did something different. She sat down, turned off the phone, and took 5 minutes to write the facts down on paper. She asked Jake many questions, like: “How did it start? What did she say? What was your reply? What did the other girl say? How did you respond? Did you tell a grown-up? What did they say?” This process of getting the facts was calming to both Sheila and Jake, because it forced them to think clearly and objectively about an emotional situation.
Step Three: Empower Your Child
Next, Sheila did something radically different. She didn’t call the teacher, or drive over to the girls’ houses. She leaned back in her chair, and said, “Well, people can be mean at times. Both kids AND grown-ups can be mean. I deal with this at my office too, so I think this is a chance to learn how to deal with mean people. Jake, how would you like to handle this?”
Silence. Finally, Jake replied, “I don’t know…”
Sheila responded, “Well, I can think of a few options. We could go to your camp teacher, and I’ll stand beside you while you say what you want. Or, we could drive over to the girls’ homes, and I’ll stand beside you while you say what you want, to them or to their parents. Or, we can practice some funny comebacks that you can use the next time they try to upset you. If you defend yourself with humor, they might leave you alone.”
At first, Jake wanted to go talk with his teacher, but when they rehearsed what he might say, he didn’t come up with much. So, he and his mom decided to practice funny comebacks that he can apply to any situation. For example, if someone calls him a dummy, Jake smiles, and exclaims with mock amazement, “Oh! I didn’t know you were a dummy!” If someone tells him to shut-up, Jake says with mock joy, “What a POLITE thing to say! Thank you!”
Sheila said both she and Jake found themselves giggling as they practiced his lines, and the pain of teasing had been transformed into the confidence of being able to handle himself in any situation.
I hope it’s clear that the lesson here is not about the words the child chooses. It’s about self-reliance. Sheila is not rushing in to protect her child every time he faces injustice. However, she is willing to stand beside him if he chooses to speak to a teacher, or a mean child.
We parents need to calm ourselves down in order to do what’s best in the long run. Teaching kids to take care of themselves prepares them for the real world. Kids can learn to look at the facts, choose their own solution, and practice it with supervision. I believe mentoring and practice are the best ways for a child to learn to take care of himself—not always intervention. We adults have no one to tattle to, so we have to work things out among ourselves. Our kids would do well to learn that lesson before adulthood.
