The New York Times’ Judith Warner Tells It Like It Is For Parents
As an Episcopal minister, people confide in me and offer a rare view of what goes on “behind the scenes” in families. I share in the thrill of weddings, and of children born to happy parents. I also witness the crushing agony of divorce, custody battles, and children in crisis. I observe the tension and conflict of blended families.
What strikes me is the suffering. Often, we get caught up in our suffering: either blaming ourselves, or (more often) blaming that *other* person for our messy relationships. Many of us can’t seem to break free of this vicious cycle of blame. We almost can’t imagine it could be any other way, and we’re cynical towards any self-help “cures.”
However, there is an alternative, based on Family Systems Theory of Psychiatrist Murray Bowen (Meninger Clinic, NIMH, Georgetown Med School). If we study and apply Bowen Theory, we can begin to make sense of (what appears to be) the chaos of relationships around us. We can stay (happily) married. We can raise better kids, and pass on less of our baggage.
Bowen Theory is not a quick fix. It’s more like, “Long term pain for long term gain.” But it gets results. Dr. Bowen collected impressive empirical data proving those results, I have observed those results in families, and for 6 years now I have lived those results in my own family. I guess you could say “I bet my life” on those results, because I’m now in a Ph.D. program at Penn State studying Bowen Theory. I prefer steady improvement to random trial-and-error.
I see myself as a translator. My website on “How to Stay Married and Raise Great Kids” distills the Ivory Tower of Bowen Theory down to practical applications that work for real people’s families. That’s why I was so excited to find Judith Warner’s Blog “Domestic Disturbances” at the New York Times site: http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/index.php. She brilliantly describes “life in the trenches.” The people who identify with her are the people I want to reach. Judith has articulated the problem. I want to provide solutions.
