My client “Alex” had a strange argument with his wife “Isabelle.” Their discussion had escalated in tone and intensity until they were just short of yelling. Then Alex began to speak in a slow, quiet voice, such that Isabelle could barely hear what he was saying. The tension went out of the room, and Alex says that suddenly they were able to think clearly, instead of just reacting to each other.

I asked him what the argument was about. He couldn’t remember.

Isn’t that typical of most of us? We get into these arguments with our spouses over trivial issues, and then as things escalate it’s no longer about truth, justice, or even listening—it’s about being right (or justifying yourself if you’re wrong).

That’s why Alex’s action was so remarkable. Somehow he was able to adopt a quiet, gentle voice, even as he was boiling over inside. His quiet words stopped the escalation, and prevented both spouses from stubbornly “digging in their heels.” But in the heat of the moment, how can we possibly do that? How can we “fake it ’til we make it”?

One day during our coaching sessions, Alex admitted very candidly that he was often surprised at the difficulty he has in getting along with people. He saw himself as being very reasonable and logical with others, and only defending himself when things went South. He said he could sense that people felt very resistant towards him. He remarked on the contrast between how smoothly people received his wife while they would ignore or resist even his most reasonable assertions, no matter how diplomatically he spoke. It was as if his wife was “the angel to be received,” and he was “the demon to be resisted.” Alex wondered why.

Tense-and-Intense
Together, Alex and I examined his family of origin. I asked him to pick out the relatives he disliked, and identify which trait of theirs irritated him the most. He described one sister and one brother who always spoke as if what they said was the irrefutable truth, and if someone disagreed, it was only because they were blind, or stupid. Alex said he clearly sensed they spoke that way because they were insecure. He believed that if they were truly that sure of themselves they wouldn’t feel compelled to communicate in such a high-handed way.

He described their manner as “both tense and INTENSE.”

Once he had articulated this tendency for the first time, he began to notice that this was a trait throughout his entire family, including siblings, parents and grandparents—it was simply a matter of degree. The siblings who irritated him the most merely had the highest degree of “tense and intense”-ness when they spoke. It wasn’t just their words, or even just their tone of voice: there was a “vibe”–a kind of palpable intensity in Alex’s family members when they related to others.

We Lend Our Faults to Others—How Generous!
The French have a wonderful saying, “On prete souvent ses defaults aux autres” (literally, “We often lend our faults to others”). What it means is that we can spot our own faults much more easily in others than in ourselves, and what irritates us most about others is often a fault we actually possess in our OWN character. Once Alex saw that a “tense and intense” trait runs in his family, it wasn’t hard for him to realize why he had trouble getting along with others.

You see, that kind of intensity “ups the ante” in any conversation, and if people feel uncomfortable or threatened in any situation, they’re much more likely to dig in their heels and escalate. Any kind of tension that triggers the human fight-or-flight response is going to make a conversation much more touchy and volatile. Sometimes it’s fun to be around intense people, but more often we feel uncomfortable, even if we can’t put our finger on why. It’s not about the words they choose. Tone of voice is a factor, but the “vibe” people put off as they communicate is what we “hear” the loudest, even if we can’t articulate our impressions very well.

It was fascinating to watch Alex’s manner change instantly, as he came to that realization. During the first half of our session, he was his usual tense, intense self. In the second half, he took on this gentle, agreeable demeanor. He wasn’t faking it. He could truly see how he had been shooting himself in the foot by approaching others in a tense and intense way. He described how his chest seemed to “unclench” as tension drained away. He sighed and felt instant relief. In tense moments, have you ever caught yourself clenching your jaw or tightening your stomach? It was as if Alex noticed for the first time in 37 years that both his speech and manner had been clenching, and tight. He said, “I’m sad that it took me 37 years to notice my “tense and intense” manner of relating to others. But I’m REALLY glad it didn’t take me 47!”

Haven’t we all had those “Aha!” moments of maturity, when we see a blind spot in our character for the first time, and grow up a little, right on the spot? Alex still has that tendency to be tense and intense, and probably will for life. But now that he’s observed that tendency in himself, he has brought a piece of his behavior from automatic instinct into his conscious awareness. The more control Alex has over his behavior, the more mature and at peace he is as he navigates the shoals of life and relationships.

So perhaps when you’re with people you also tend to be tense and intense, like Alex. I suspect we all are; it’s just a question of degree. If you can begin to spot this tendency in the most irritating of your family members, you’ll be able to spot it in yourself. How would you like to stir up less disagreement and stubbornness in others? You may play a bigger role than you think. Try focusing on a gentle, calm manner of speaking and see if you can “fake it ’til you make it.”

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