“Chris” (not his real name) and his wife went to a cocktail party.  It turned out that the attire for the evening was more formal than they had realized.  They were the only ones who were under-dressed, and they felt awkward and embarrassed about it all evening.  

But notice how they both thought about it.  Chris’ wife lamented to herself, “If only I had thought ahead!  I could have called in advance and avoided this embarrassment…”  Meanwhile, Chris was thinking to himself, “Look at the mess she made!  She can be so careless at times…”  The interesting thing about this scenario is that not a word was spoken, but a pattern of reciprocity has been reinforced.  For every “blame-er” (like Chris) in a marriage, there’s a “self-blamer” (like his wife).  It really does “take two to tango.”

In reality, there were probably several things that either spouse could have done to avoid their “fashion faux-pas.”  In the ideal marriage, two mature people would objectively evaluate their role in the mistake, and gladly take responsibility for the part they played.  However, the more immature we are, the more intensely we engage in blame—either of our self, or of our spouse.  

Understanding our tendency to blame others, or ourselves, is crucial because both spouses may be wasting potential in their marriage.  Let me say something outrageous:  many of the physical or emotional problems we have in our marriages didn’t just HAPPEN TO us.  We created them.  If we reduce the reciprocal dance of “the blamer and the self-blamer,” we can reduce the negative symptoms in our marriage.

This blaming dance is difficult to spot in our own marriage, because most of the time it’s slow and subtle.  Have you heard of the ancient Chinese torture of “death by thousand cuts”?  The Blame Dance is very subtle, because there are little jabs and criticisms you make to your spouse throughout the day.  They happen in passing, and your spouse may not respond, so you don’t even think about what you’re doing.  In fact, you are subtly “training” your spouse to find, in his or herself, the shortcomings you perceive.  Your fault-finding in your spouse is a slow, insidious self-fulfilling prophecy, creating your own worst nightmare.  

Bowen Family Systems Theory is a behavioral science that includes a principle that it takes “two to tango.”  In other words, for every blamer there’s self-blamer.  

The key question is, why?  Why would one spouse torture their beloved by blaming them for everything?  Why would the other spouse torture themselves by blaming themselves for everything?  The answer is, this Blame Tango is one of the four ways we handle the anxiety that builds up in our marriages.  

We may look at Chris and his wife and be tempted to say, “Poor Chris’ wife!  That ol’ Chris sure is mean!”  It’s tempting to side with the perceived “good guy” against the perceived “bad guy,” but it’s not that simple.  Who really is the bad guy in these scenarios?  In reality, there are no angels or devils in marriage–just two people stuck in a blame/self-blame tango.  They can’t help it–they’re doing the only dance they know.  What makes the Blame Tango tricky to spot is that there is no overt conflict, so both parties see no problem.  They assume, “We never fight, and therefore everything is fine.”

Here are some characteristics of the Blamer, whom Bowen Theory calls an “over-functioner”: decisive, domineering, authoritative, critical, and scornful of the other.  The self-blamer is typically an under-functioner, and could be described as: indecisive, adaptive (to a fault), and increasingly helpless.  Taken to the extreme: Under-functioners may become incompetent at work, chronically fatigued, or stop performing routine tasks at home.  They are perceived as “needing to be rescued,” although that’s the worst thing you can do for them.  If the over-functioner/under-functioner pattern persists, the under-functioner (aka, the “self-blamer”) may go on to develop stress-related illness, addictions, or mental problems.  

What to do?  Learning to spot, and eventually change, this over/under-functioning tango is not an overnight process.  The most common solution is for the Super-spouse to stop over-functioning in the relationship, and to stop rescuing the other.  Usually, the under-functioning spouse will only “get a life” when he or she is forced to.  

This over/under-functioning tango can also appear in the parent-child relationship.  ”Alec” (not his real name) had a Master’s degree in biology, but couldn’t hold a job.  He lived with his widower father and seldom socialized.  He never dated, even into his forties, and spent most of his time alone with his pets.  Alec’s father died suddenly, leaving him a place to live, but no income.  Alec got a job working for the federal government seven years ago.  Since then he has been promoted twice, and he became a stable member of the workforce for one simple reason.  He had to.  His relatives were fed-up with his pleas for money, his landlord reached the end of his patience, and Alec had to change from helpless to self-sufficient.  So, he did.

Alec’s case is an extreme example of a road you and I don’t want to go down in our marriage, or in our families.  Of the four ways to handle anxiety in a relationship, over/under-functioning is a costly method for absorbing the inevitable anxiety that builds up in a family.  We’d be much better off using the Marital Conflict we discussed in my last article.  It feels unpleasant to argue, but it’s much better to engage our true feelings out in the open, than to engage in this covert blame/self-blame tango that ends up leaving one spouse with physical or mental symptoms.  

Let me re-emphasize how difficult it is for us to spot this behavior in ourselves.  Perhaps it will be easier if you pick one couple you know well in your extended family.  Write down who the over-functioner is, and why.  Who is the under-functioner, and why?  The first step to overcoming the Blame Tango is to learn how to spot it, and that only comes with time and training.  

I wrote about the first of four ways we unintentionally deal with anxiety in our marriage in “Why Marital Conflict is Your Best Friend.”  Today we discussed the second, Over/Under-Functioning (aka, “The Blame Tango”).  Also see my articles on the other two ways:  ”Distancing the Silent Killer,” and “How We Pass Our Baggage on to Our Kids.”

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