How to Stay Married and Raise Great Kids
As we imagine our children making their marriage vows at the altar, most of us are aware that statistically, they have only a fifty-fifty chance of a lasting marriage.
Those of us who end up divorced want to believe that we will learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, the failure rate for second marriages is even higher, at sixty percent.
Many of us pin our hopes on counseling to save a marriage gone bad. Sadly, marriage researcher John Gottman writes that less than 18% of couples report lasting results from marital therapy.
Marriage has changed forever. Women have their own careers, and are no longer chained to their husbands’ wallets. The social stigma of divorce, which used to keep many of our parents and grandparents together, is all but gone now. Those couples who do choose to stay married often live in a state of “emotional divorce,” where silence and avoidance leave them merely sharing the same house, like roommates.
The American family is in trouble. Many of us know people who are on their third or fourth marriage. We are in danger of losing faith in the institution itself. The stress of shared custody and blended families is brutal. We parents worry about our kids’ learning disabilities, allergies, social behavior, or all three. And how many of our teenagers will lose themselves in drugs, depression, or recreational sex? Our society simply cannot continue along this path forever.
It doesn’t have to be this way. As an Episcopal minister, I walk with families in the joy of marriage and birth, as well as the stress of a divorce, or a child in crisis. Thanks to my study of a psychologist named Murray Bowen, I have learned to observe four early indicators of a marriage going bad, or a child headed for personal crisis. Let’s examine these four “red flags,” and briefly define the “preventive medicine” that can turn them around:
Marital Conflict: How to Argue Beautifully
Imagine a marriage where the two of you can discuss touchy topics without shouting or stomping out of the room. You’re less critical of each other, and less defensive. You also set a great example for your kids to follow when they marry. SmartMarriages.com offers some resources for how to argue beautifully.
Distancing: The “Flight” Response of our “Fight or Flight” Instinct
Would you like to be more “present” to your spouse, and to remember why you fell head-over-heels in the first place? In my observation, arguing isn’t a marriage-killer. Silence and avoidance are. It is to our own peril that we humans forget we are mammals. The key to family life is recognizing when our behavior is merely a “sophisticated” human version of the flight response in animals. We need to learn to spot the subtle ways we avoid contact with our spouse or child (or unknowingly drive them away). Wouldn’t you like to raise kids who are eager to visit you, and stay in touch after they grow up to be adults?
The Unpleasant Dance of Reciprocity
Imagine a marriage where your spouse isn’t sickly, depressed, or chronically unemployed. This would free up so much energy for both of you to seize the day and pursue your dreams. Marriages commonly have two types: 1) A decisive, bossy partner who tends to blame the other for problems; and 2) A helpless, increasingly dysfunctional partner who tends to blame his or her self for whatever happens. The key to a healthy marriage is to understand that it ALWAYS takes two to tango, and to stop your half of the “dance” of reciprocity. The best book I’ve ever read on marriage is Family Therapy in Clinical Practice, By Dr. Murray Bowen, available at RowmanLittlefield.com. The beauty of this book is that it doesn’t tell you what to DO. It teaches you a new way to think, so you can solve your own problems in marriage.
Passing Our Baggage on to Our Kids
Imagine a family where you raise your kids to enjoy a healthy and independent future. Their current health problems, learning disabilities, or negative behaviors seem to fade away, and you wonder why you got so upset about them in the first place. As soon as a couple learns to put their marriage first, the problems with their kids fall into place. Time and again, I see kids acting out the problems of their parents’ marriage. The parents often focus on the child’s symptoms, rather than the cause of the problem (which lies between spouses).
If we can learn to stop giving all to our kids and put our marriage first, everybody in the family wins. This is more easily said than done, and I recommend a family coach. I’ve had a coach for five years now, and I’m pleased with the progress our family has made. You can read more at TheBowenCenter.org.
Bowen Theory is not a “quick fix,” but I think it is the most effective training for families. Most of us learn about relationships through trial and error. Some of us obtain results, while others grow bitter and give up. For my money, I’d rather use a strategy than take my chances on trial and error. I believe that studying Bowen Theory guarantees me good results over the long term. So, you and I don’t have to become a statistic. We can “inoculate” our families against divorce, or crisis in our kids. Think of it as “long term pain for long term gain”!
