It all started over a card game that Alan’s family plays every Christmas. Alan and his brother disagreed over the rules, and each claimed that, “We’ve ALWAYS played it this way!” By the time their mother had dug out a tattered, handwritten copy of the rules, the two brothers had fallen into their usual pattern of snapping at each other. This was followed by a “Cold War” tension so thick that everybody just wanted to escape the game and go to bed.

Why is it that our “happy holidays” with family aren’t always so happy? Every year we look forward to being home for the holidays, but we often end up either arguing, or else avoiding arguments by sticking to topics like the weather. If our parents and siblings start with the best of intentions, where do things get off-track? We can enjoy a happier holiday this year if we take three steps to understanding our family, and our role therein:

1) Learn Your “Family Emotional Glob”

The psychiatrist Murray Bowen taught about Nuclear Family Emotional Process. To oversimplify his concept, I think he meant that the human animal is a herd animal by nature. That may have helped us survive in the jungle 10,000 years ago, but today it means you and I are still emotionally “stuck together” with our parents, grandparents, and siblings. We may physically leave our families as adults, but emotionally we are always stuck to the “family emotional glob.” Returning home for the holidays just puts that unpleasant reality in our faces, and our lives won’t improve much until we change how we behave in our families.

The key to understanding the family emotional glob is the following paradox. You and I like to think of ourselves as mature, independent individuals who control our own behavior. The reality is, as soon as we walk in the door, our family is like a huge science-fictional magnet, which sends out emotional waves that pull us into the “glob” and take control of our behavior. We kid ourselves that when we go home we still make our own decisions, but all we do is unwittingly play out the role that our family emotional glob dictated for us when we were young.

In order to recognize what our role is, first we have to observe our own “herd” more clearly. Let’s go on a “safari” into your family:

2) Pretend You’re Jane Goodall, Observing a Chimp Family in Africa

I invite you to sit down with pen and paper, and chart out the predictable holiday behavior of each family member. Which people don’t get along? Who’s going to drink too much? Who dominates the group? Who gets picked on? Who gossips about whom, and what’s their usual theme? Who is the one everybody either worries about, or criticizes? Who will avoid being present, by escaping into TV, or “urgent” work? Who will get sick, or slip and fall? Who is always offended about something? Who is the Peacemaker? Who’s the Martyr? Who’s the Organizer? The Caretaker?

As you answer these questions, isn’t it amazing how much of our “mature, independent” behavior is actually rather predictable?

3) “All the Family’s a Stage, and We are Merely Players…”

If we want to make our holidays happier, we have to lose our favorite delusion. We need to stop thinking of ourselves as the star of our own life’s drama (with our relatives as bit players). Only then can we begin to notice the role each relative plays in the family emotional glob (and eventually, we can begin to see what our own role is).

Why does this matter? Because whatever role you play in your family of origin is also the role you may be (unknowingly) repeating in your workplace, friendships, and with your own spouse and kids. Ignorance is definitely NOT bliss. Like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day,” whatever you can’t see you are doomed to repeat.

Once you begin to identify the roles in your family, that’s where the fun begins. A family get-together that used to feel like a bad dream (when you’re in it) can suddenly become a fascinating puppet show (when you’re observing it). You can learn a tremendous amount about your family’s politics if you can participate in the action as a bit player, rather than the Diva (who must either control things, or else stomp off the stage). As long as you try to run the show (or run away), you’re destined for disappointment. As soon as you focus on controlling only yourself among the actors, then your changing role will allow others to change their roles too. Remember the card game example I mentioned? What if Alan could learn to stay calm, even when his brother attacked? Imagine the peace of not letting others get under your skin…

That’s the ripple effect of the family emotional glob. If everyone’s stuck in their role, it’s hard to change. If one person begins to change their role, the family first reacts with “How dare you! Change back, or else!” But if you stick to your new role, then suddenly other family members are freed up to change their roles as well.

Happiness is a New Role, that YOU Create for Yourself

You want to know what happy holidays look like? Happiness is a family emotional glob that’s a little less stuck together, where members have more of a say in what role they will play in the family. It all starts with you. You can either generate a role for yourself, or remain stuck in the role your family emotional glob created for you years ago. The better you can observe yourself interacting with relatives, the more you can respond instead of reacting. The less you get upset (while remaining in contact with others), the less often you’ll be sucked back into the glob. In that sense, I wish you a happy “independence day” at Christmas!

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