One night Betty was lying awake, worrying about family finances, when suddenly her son coughed in his sleep. Lately she had been concerned that perhaps he had asthma or allergies, so her anxiety really spiked when she heard him cough.

If Betty had been asleep, she might not have heard her son cough. But, she was already awake with anxiety, so perhaps she overreacted a bit. She decided this cough must be serious, and some action must be taken. Betty got up, woke her son up, gave him cough medicine, went back to bed, and fell asleep almost immediately.

(Notice that her son did not wake up from his cough, or even complain about his cough.)

The next morning, Betty and her husband had an argument about money just as he was headed out the door to the office. Betty was sitting in the kitchen, alone and upset, when her son coughed. She immediately picked up the phone and made an appointment with the pediatrician.

ALLERGIES, ASTHMA, AND ANXIETY
The pediatrician’s examination of Betty’s son was inconclusive – it could be allergies, or perhaps just a virus. But Betty wanted to “play it safe,” so she persuaded the doctor to prescribe allergy medicine for her son. After all, it was spring and there was more dust and pollen around…

But does her son really have allergies? Betty is sure, but her doctor wasn’t, and her son never even lost sleep or complained about any discomfort.

HOW WE PASS OUR BAGGAGE ONTO OUR KIDS
The point here is not to judge Betty. Like all of us, she’s doing the best she can with the hand Life dealt her. The real point is this: we may dislike the baggage our parents passed on to us, but are we aware of how we’re passing our baggage onto our kids?

There seems to be a dramatic increase in allergies and asthma in our children these days. If we blame that on pollution, then why don’t kids in other countries report the same symptoms? Likewise, the number of kids diagnosed with learning disabilities or behavior problems is skyrocketing in the United States. Not so in most other countries. Is it simply that our “superior” evaluation methods pick up problems that other countries would miss?

I believe that our kids don’t need more attention. They need parents who pay attention to their own marriage, rather than focusing on their children. It’s human nature to want the best for our children, but it’s also human nature to avoid looking at our own anxious behavior in our marriage. We may try to ignore the anxiety, but it doesn’t go away. In fact, our anxiety may turn into our overreaction to symptoms in one of our kids, and that’s how we end up shooting them in the foot–even as we want the best for them.

Here’s what I mean:

Most parents I know are already killing themselves. They put long hours and tremendous intensity into their careers. Likewise, they put long hours and tremendous intensity into their kids—shuttling them to practices and play dates, and helping with their homework, while protecting them from every risk, illness, or negative experience they can avoid. The parents I observe are willing to sacrifice almost anything in order to give their kids a better life.

STOP KILLING YOURSELF
And yet paradoxically, I don’t see kids growing up happier. They seem to expect more and demand more of their parents. They seem to have ever-larger problems that require ever-more attention. I think it’s time to admit that our current approach just isn’t working. My grandmother was a gardener, and she said the biggest killer of plants was over-watering. I think we’re over-watering our children.

The biggest gift we can give our children is to focus on our marriage, for two reasons.

Firstly, our children’s symptoms will stop growing if we stop “fertilizing” them with too much anxious attention. We get what we focus on, and we may be projecting our anxious baggage on to them.

Secondly, if we parents can master the most important relationship of our lives, then our children have a good role model to live by when they get married. Have you ever caught yourself repeating the behavior of your parents, which you swore you’d NEVER do? To some degree, we can’t help ourselves. We all tend to do what we’ve seen done (especially back when we were impressionable children). Let’s remember that our children are sponges, and they watch our every move.

THE BIGGEST GIFT WE CAN GIVE OUR CHILDREN IS TO FOCUS ON OUR MARRIAGE
At a party recently, a parent thanked me for one of my seminars last year. She said, “My son has asthma, and I realized that every time I heard him cough my anxiety would spike. It even got to the point where he was afraid to cough in front of me! Your seminar taught me how to focus on what was going on in my marriage when my son coughed. When I started thinking about our marriage, I began to notice times when I overreacted to my son’s cough because I was anxious. When I calmed down about his cough, his symptoms seemed to improve! I may be more anxious about my marriage, but my son is healthier. I don’t mind making THAT trade-off!”

Society has unfortunately taught us that arguing is bad, and keeping the peace in marriage is good. Many couples may have a child diagnosed with allergies, social problems, or a learning disability. However, they don’t see a link between their “peaceful” marriage and their child’s symptoms. I bet if they fought more, their kid would have fewer symptoms. Which do you think has more negative impact: a couple who argues in front of their kids, or a couple who worries about their child’s symptoms while they quietly drift apart over the years?

I WISH YOU MANY GREAT ARGUMENTS
So, if our goal is to give our kids a better life, we need to stop focusing on our kids in order to avoid the tension in our marriages. If we focus on our marriages, our children will fall into place. I wish you many great arguments to come. Your kids will thank you by staying married, and raising great kids of their own.

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