Usually I drive and my wife navigates when we’re in the car together, and we have an ongoing joke about directions. She’ll say to me, “Turn here-I’m sure this is it.” Almost without fail, whenever she’s certain of the way to go we end up lost. It’s as if our certainty about the route prevents us from seeing the turns we should be taking.

Then there are other times when I ask, “Okay, what are we looking for–what’s next?” She’ll say, “Well, I don’t know. I think it’s this way so let’s try turning here.” It usually turns out to be the right way, as if our questioning and open minds allow the correct route to open up before us. We end up moving forward in our journey, without getting lost much.

This seems ironic to me. I thought that “He who hesitates is lost.” How do we know when to move ahead with certainty, or when to question our thinking and beliefs?

My buddy Chris was recently divorced. As Chris described the painful process he was going through, everything seemed to be his wife’s fault. “She did this; I can’t believe she did that; I can’t believe she didn’t do this…” Chris was very clear that he was a victim of this mean, cruel woman and that he had suffered so much. Yet, even as he was talking about it, he suffered anew as he re-lived the experience again; but he was sure he was right about her faults.

Chris was stuck in Steps 1 and 2 of the seven steps for turning failure into success.

Step 1: Something bad happens and one feels a lot of pain. In this case, Chris was divorced with two little daughters caught in the middle.

Step 2: One blames other people: one is certain that someone besides oneself is at fault. Chris was sure that his wife had always been stubborn, unreasonable, and downright mean. Have you ever been with someone who is telling you their “certain truth,” and there’s an emphatic intensity to their manner? It was “true” what Chris was saying. He knew that it was true. It was truly true! (Please note that some people remain stuck in Step 2 for a lifetime.)

Then, as the months passed, I noticed something. Chris began to change. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but he began to speak about his life in a different way. There was even something different in his face. It was as if somewhere along the line he started to wonder if in fact his situation was that black and white. Was it really as simple as, “Ex-wife bad, me good”?

Chris had finally entered Step 3.

Step 3: Pain motivates one to notice that one has been in similar versions of this situation before. One begins to wonder if there is a pattern to one’s behavior. Chris noticed that having a convenient scapegoat for his painful divorce didn’t seem to reduce his suffering. It just made him a “victim of that other, mean person.” He knew logically that in any conflict, it “takes two to tango.” One always has a role. He may have had his ex-wife to blame, but that wasn’t helping him get on with his life. Chris began to look for similar relationship patterns among his previous girlfriends, as well as his parents and siblings.

Chris began to break free because suddenly (and thankfully), he was no longer certain. Before, he was “chained” to his truth that was truly true, and he was sure of it. He could explain to you exactly why the marriage failed and why it was her fault. Then, somewhere along the line, he became less sure of his truth. There emerged a little tiny crack in his “armor of certainty,” that protected his heart, and that’s where the spirit of truth began to enter.

As soon as one is less sure of his “truth,” the spirit of truth can work miracles at an incredible pace.

Step 4: The key to transformation: One becomes unsure about simply blaming the other, and begins to ask oneself, “What is my role in this?” Chris started to think about what he might have been responsible for in the failure of his marriage. He considered things that he could have done; things that he should have said; He found much that he would do differently if he had a chance to do it all over again.

Step 5: One discovers one’s role in the situation, which also turns out to be one’s behavior pattern in many past
situations. In this case, Chris noticed that his wife had certain behaviors that he overreacted to in their relationship. However, he knew that if he was upset when he brought these things up to his wife, they would argue and it would escalate. So, he just retreated into himself, rather than talking things out. He had always thought it was noble to “keep the peace.” In retrospect, however, Chris could see that each time he retreated into himself with his hurt, he was just one millimeter more distant (and one degree colder) from his spouse. Over the years, those millimeters and degrees added up, until the couple became so distant and chilly that the flame died. This was one of those divorces where family and friends were shocked, saying, “How could this be? After all, they never fought…”

However, it’s not about the fighting. It’s about the distancing in the relationship.

However, when Chris finally had this insight, he didn’t leap for joy. He no longer felt like a victim, but he saw the huge, self-induced wounds that wrecked a big chunk of his life, his love, and his spouse’s life. Not pretty. That’s Step 6.

Step 6: The behavior pattern you discover has wasted such much of your time and your relationships that you can’t help beating yourself up for a while. It seems like bad news to find out not only that you’ve been blaming the wrong person but also that you could have prevented your own pain by behaving differently. This is actually GREAT news however, because it leads to the final step.

Step 7: You are no longer blind to this relationship pattern, so now you are no longer hostage to it. The pain subsides, and now that you understand this behavioral pattern, you can catch yourself before you “go down that path” and nip it in the bud before it’s too late. You are free! Imagine what a difference the conquest of just one “blind spot” makes to all your relationships for the rest of your life. Huge!

One could see the freedom on Chris’s face. The muscles around his mouth were less taut and tense. He seemed less intense. He was more his old self. He had a sense of humor. He was lighter about things than he was before. You could see the freedom slowly creeping back into his life.

Here’s the punch line. Chris seems to be ready to marry again. You know what? I predict that he’s going to do better this time.

I believe that one of the great signs of our spiritual progress is our ability to recognize our role in conflict. We can never mature spiritually by denying our shortcomings. In a moment of conflict, it may seem easier to blame the other, and put all the responsibility on them for things gone bad. But it’s a false freedom, because we are doomed to repeat our mistakes in relationships until we begin to see the pattern that is holding us hostage. Until then, it costs us a lot of fulfillment. In the short term, it is much more painful to examine the truth of your role in a relationship gone sour, but ironically, that is where freedom lies. The truth really does set you free.

My friend Jim often jokes that he can’t wait for his teenage son to have a car accident-not a fatal one-just an accident bad enough to scare and heck out of him. You see, Jim’s son always speeds and follows too closely behind other cars. Jim has warned him a hundred times, but his son refuses to hear him. Jim’s reasoning is that unfortunately, his son may need the pain of a non-fatal crash to make him look at his driving habits. If his son were forced to ask himself, “What was my role in this accident?” it would transform him into a safe driver.

When we begin to see clearly one of our own shortcomings, a costly blind spot has been removed from our vision. This is cause for celebration, because that blind spot will no longer make us miserable (or at least, we’ll snap out of it sooner!). We may have previously believed it was the other person making us miserable. Now we can see that it was our own blind spot. As we take responsibility for our blind spot, much of the blame and resentment we felt towards the other person will fall away. That’s freedom for both parties!

Verses 16 and l7 of John 14 inspire me: “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever. This is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, because he abides with you, and he will be in you.” This is great news. If God has indeed sent us the Spirit of Truth as a helper, how can we make sure we can hear him?

I think Jesus is telling us that if we can realize that our truth isn’t THE truth, the miracles start pouring in. If we can begin to distinguish between what we’re certain is true and what the Spirit of Truth is teaching us, then the miracles start to flow. What do I mean by that? If, like Chris, we can begin to realize the things we are sure are true are in fact just our beliefs and opinions, then that opens up a little tiny crack in our “armor of certainty.” Now, God’s spirit-of-truth can enter and work wonders.

If you and I can realize that our truth isn’t so dog-gone true, the miracles start pouring in. Isn’t it a miracle that Chris can love again, and re-marry happily? Yet, it took time and calm introspection for him to take responsibility for his role in the conflict. Now that he can see some of his tendencies, he is no longer doomed to repeat the same self-defeating behaviors blindly. He is no longer doomed to feel like a victim even as he shoots himself in the foot. There’s real freedom in that! If we can realize that things we are certain about are just our beliefs and our opinions, that gives the Holy Spirit a little breathing room inside our sometimes-hard little heads. It gives the spirit of truth a chance to enter in. Where there is room for the spirit of truth, there’s room for miracles.

I invite you to pray now: “Thank you Lord for the Holy Spirit of truth to help us. Thank you for giving us a miraculous shift in perception so that we’re no longer certain about our blame of others. Help us make room for your spirit of truth to enter in. Thanks for helping us to see that our truth is only our beliefs and opinions, so that we have room to grow with your spirit of truth.”

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