Who has wronged you? What is the first name that comes to mind when I ask you that question? Perhaps you immediately think of a friend, or someone in your family. How did you respond? I could probably guess, because I believe people often choose from only three basic responses: fight, flight, or gossip.

If you have studied biology, you may be familiar with the fight-or-flight response in animals. It is an instinctive, automatic response: if an animal is confronted with a threat, it either fights or flees. This may be bad news for some intellectuals, but I am not sure that we human beings are much different from our animal cousins. For example, a wolf might bare its teeth and attack; it fights when faced with conflict. However, we human beings see ourselves as “Oh so civilized.” We may not bare our teeth, yet we know how to defend ourselves if we want to fight. We know how to attack people verbally. I think we share the fight response with animals. We simply perceive our verbal attacks as more civilized than ripping flesh with sharp teeth. However, both acts cause great damage.

Alternatively, there is the flight response. Consider a deer who, when faced with danger, can leap quickly over a hedge to escape that threat. Human beings do the same thing. We may not run away literally, but we know how to avoid people, so that we do not cross paths with them. If (God forbid!) we do run into the person we are avoiding, we can still distance ourselves by keeping the conversation short and terse. We can talk about the weather, and avoid sharing our true thoughts and feelings. That way, we do not build rapport with that person, or make ourselves vulnerable to a potential enemy. Therefore, in humans the flight response could be either physical or verbal, but it still adds up to avoiding any significant contact with that person.

We human animals also have a third response in addition to fight and flight. We talk behind the backs of those who annoy us. Sometimes we may argue with somebody (fight response), or sometimes we may minimize our interactions with someone (flight response). But with almost any tension or conflict, it is a given that sooner or later one will go to other people who know that person and talk negatively about them behind their back.

For example: “Joe, that Joe. We both know about Joe don’t we?” We may not say anything aloud that is too nasty, but we can use facial expressions and tones of voice to communicate volumes. A wink and an insinuation. “You and I understand each other perfectly, don’t we? We both know about Joe and how he can be at times…”

Have you ever been a victim of gossip? Imagine for a moment that someone comes up to you and says directly, “Hey, you’re a jerk.” You have one person saying you are a jerk. You may think, “Gosh, this person believes I am a jerk.” This may cause you X amount of consternation. However, imagine for a moment that you hear through the grapevine that people are saying you are a jerk. That’s a little different isn’t it? You don’t know who is saying it; you don’t know how many people are saying it. Suddenly, you may wonder if you have a reputation as a jerk. But you don’t have any single person to whom you can go to confirm or deny the extent of damage to your reputation.

Since most of us want people to like us, it hurts about fifty times more if people talk behind our backs, rather than just telling us directly, “Hey, I think you’re a jerk.”

Matthew 18:15-20 is about relationships and conflict, and there are three parts to this passage. The first part is Jesus giving us a kind of how-to guide for resolving conflict. He says, “Hey, if someone wrongs you, go to that person and speak to them directly. If they don’t listen to you, come back with a couple of friends…” and so on.

Part Two tells us the consequences if we do not resolve our conflicts. Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” He means that whatever wrongs you forgive on earth will be forgiven in heaven, but whatever we do not forgive on earth will not be forgiven in heaven. In other words, we are making a bigger mess than we realize when we don’t forgive others in our relationships.

Part Three is his great promise to us. Do you want a spiritual journey that takes you closer to God? Jesus addresses that directly in this passage. He says, “Again, truly, I tell you if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am among them.” That sounds to me like a strong case for being in community.

I think Jesus is telling us, “Hey, conflict is inevitable, folks. Got relationships? You also have conflict. Count on it.” Otherwise, why would have God put this passage in the Bible? He put it in scripture because conflict is a given in our relationships. The sooner we can come to grips with that fact, the easier it will be for us to accept a simple reality: In order to get closer to God on our spiritual journey, we have to go through relationships, which means we have to go through conflict. Once we accept conflict as a given, then we can say, “Okay, how do I get better at dealing with this. What kind of skills do I need to develop to resolve conflict in my relationships?”

The second thing that we can learn from this passage is if we have any messy relationships here on earth, there are consequences that we may not have considered. Jesus says that whatever you don’t forgive in a relationship on earth doesn’t get forgiven in heaven either. Maybe some of you are thinking, “Good! My dad is a jerk, and sure, there are things I didn’t forgive him for. If he isn’t going to be forgiven in heaven either, that’s fine by me.” You may like the image of him getting what he deserves. After all, it’s his fault–not yours, right?

Here’s the problem, I am not sure it really works that way. If we have a few messy relationships on Earth that we don’t clean up, then there are repercussions in heaven. Eventually when we die, we want to knock on the “Gates Upstairs,” right? At that point, if we have a bunch of messes downstairs on Earth, which have created messes upstairs in heaven, that might not work to our advantage. I am thinking about the Lord’s Prayer here. Remember that line: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Notice the smallest word in that passage-”as.”

When I was in Seminary, I studied Biblical Greek. It turns out that the Greek word they use for “as” literally means in proportion to. That means, “Forgive us our trespasses in proportion to how much we forgive the trespasses of those who have sinned against us.” That may change our perspective on forgiveness. I can’t speak for you, but I feel plenty of motivation for finding a way to clean up my messes here on earth. I’ll leave you to judge for yourself.

So how does this passage apply to our lives right now? What can we take home today that is going to make a difference in our relationships and in this week’s events? I think the first thing we want to notice is that Jesus has given us some brand new tools here. You may want to learn how to use those tools instead of sticking with your instinctive responses to conflict, i.e., fight, flight, or gossip. However, that seems impossible to do when we are upset, doesn’t it?

Of course, I tell others and myself that my tiff with so-and-so doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t matter. Yet, I notice how much energy that I put into conflict. I may be arguing with someone, avoiding someone, or gossiping about someone. (Of course, I don’t call it gossip because what I’m saying is the Absolute TRUTH, so that doesn’t count as gossip, right?!) However one thing I know for sure is that the person I feel tension with keeps coming up in my head, whether I like it or not. When I consider the amount of energy I consume over the long term, I believe Jesus is actually offering us a shortcut, and a valuable skill that will serve us for a lifetime. It pays huge dividends to practice going and talking to our neighbor calmly and directly, or hearing our neighbor out calmly when they have something they want to express. This is very difficult, but very rewarding in the long run.

What else can we take away from this story? Where does the “rubber” hit the road? God has made a promise that many of us know by heart: “Wherever two or three of us are gathered in his name, he is present among us.” The bottom line is that you and I may be wafting along beautifully on our own spiritual journey, our personal piety, and our prayer to God. But Jesus is saying, “Hey folks, you know those relationships that you have, those things that can be so uncomfortable, and yet so fulfilling? That is where it’s at. Conflict is a part of relationships and community, so you might as well get good at dealing with it.”

To think that we don’t have to go through our spiritual journeys alone is good news. Can I tell you a secret? When people open up their hearts to me, whether they be rich, powerful or attractive, they all share a common denominator: we all find life very difficult. To know that we can walk together on our spiritual road can be a source of tremendous comfort.

If you come away from this article with anything today, I hope you understand this: Yes, it is tough, and these new tools are a lifelong learning process. It is difficult to learn how to speak to someone directly without anger. It is very challenging to learn how to listen to somebody without counter-attacking, defending, or explaining how they’ve got it all wrong. These are tough lessons, but I think Jesus actually offers us a short cut when you consider how much time and energy we waste in fight, flight, or gossip.

If you feel comfortable talking to God, may I suggest this prayer: “Thank you Lord for your promise of community-that wherever two or three of us are gathered in your name, you are present among us. Thank you for giving us a shortcut through conflict by avoiding the wasteful responses of fight, flight, or gossip. Thank you for teaching us to talk directly without anger and to listen calmly without defending. Thank you most of all, Lord, for giving us a new clarity about our need for community, so that we might be motivated to journey together towards you. Amen.”

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